Hello, world! I haven’t touched my blog in so many weeks (months?!) because there is so much backlogged content I want to write about (like the end of my PCT adventure, and the entirety of my Camino de Santiago adventure, and also some additional feelings I had while traveling), and for some reason I felt like if I wasn’t making any headway on that I shouldn’t write anything else, either. But I’ve decided that doesn’t make any sense and I miss writing here, so here I am. Hello, hi. Happy November. Happy (Day After) It’s Great To Be Gay Day! What a time to be alive, truly.
So, since I last wrote a blog post, I have arrived home! In Portland! In my house! Really, really in my house because I got The Cold Of Death on Sunday and proceeded to not leave my house/bed for 72 hours. It’s been fun. But I finally felt slightly better yesterday and I went to Queer Adventure Storytelling last night and I may get coffee with a friend this evening and I’m going hiking with Unlikely Hikers on Saturday and everything is gonna be just fine.
A couple of exciting/scary personal things have been happening for me lately. Here is a small list detailing those things!
1. I’m applying to grad school, which, let me just say, as someone who graduated undergrad seven years – is really fucking hard! My brain is absolutely not in the headspace of “school” anymore, and even simple tasks like “find your unofficial transcript” feel really overwhelming! But I’m working as hard as I can to get my shit together, and we’ll see what happens. That’s sort of all I want to say about that for now, lest I jinx anything and everything.
2. I was interviewed for my friend Lacy’s podcast, Flex Your Heart Radio! Lacy was a really thoughtful and generous interviewer, and we mostly focused on my PCT hike, my disappointment with trail culture, being the fat girl on the trail, and my confusing feelings about “failing” (I talked a big game when I got off the trail about being okay with my decision, but the truth is slightly less…shiny). Anyway, that was only my second time being interviewed for a podcast and my first time talking about hiking on a podcast, so it was a little scary but ultimately really exciting, and I will let y’all know when that goes live.
3. It’s possible that I mentioned this in passing a while back, but as of this week, I’m officially back at Autostraddle as community editor! I created the position in 2012 and then took a short hiatus in 2014 that turned into an unexpectedly very long hiatus, but now I’m back! A lot has changed about online culture and the way community building via the internet works since 2014, and honestly I’ve changed a lot too, so I’m both nervous and excited to dive into that learning curve and figure it all out. If you’re a queer woman or non-binary person who is not familiar with Autostraddle, I’d strongly encourage you to check us out. And if you have something community-centric to pitch to me, whether it’s an article you’d like to write or a story you’d like me to cover, please don’t hesitate to reach out. My email is vanessa [at] autostraddle [dot] com and I’d love to hear from you!
4. Today I made my very first appointment with a therapist, which I’ve been avoiding/putting off for many months because it’s scary and overwhelming! Then I tweeted about it because I enjoy external validation, and then 46 people liked my tweet, so I felt very validated. Then I told Alley about all of this and she laughed and shook her head and said, “You’re extremely you,” which is true.
I have this other thing I want to write about, about being fat and body positive and loving myself but not always loving how I look every single day and feeling irritated at people who want me to make space for their weight-loss talk on the internet as if I, as a superhuman body positive fat person, don’t get thrown off my self-love game by people talking about hating fat bodies just as much as the next girl, but I’m not quite ready to be vulnerable about that subject just yet, I don’t think. I mean I just wrote three paragraphs about it and then deleted them because I felt like I was just ranting and I’d rather write about this stuff in an airtight essay that no one can poke holes in, because I’m sensitive and fat and frustrated.
So I guess be on the lookout for that essay, one day. And also all the other stuff I’m months behind on, I swear. Grad school applications are sort of taking up my whole life right now, but by the end of December they’ll all be done and I can tackle all my old hiking blog projects as well as focus on some exciting new ones!
To conclude: wasn’t it nice to receive some good political news last night? I really almost forgot what feeling hopeful felt like. I know, I know — our work is not done. It never will be. But just for one night, it was nice to feel hopeful again, wasn’t it? I thought it was.